Discoveries – Part 7: Out for the First Time

As days went by, I learnt to know Mark better and better. I was now a subject to undivided attention from two men – Daniel, who came to visit me every time he could, and Mark – but that was his job. Daniel wanted to take me out as much as possible. I had postponed that as much as I could, first following the Doctor’s orders not to move too much unless I must, and then following my own gut-feeling, that I was not ready to be seen like this by many people I do not know. But eventually we did go out – and it was quite an experience.

It was a Monday – Mark’s day off. That was the day that Daniel or Sharon usually came to stay with me and help me out. That Monday Daniel had planned an “outing” for me in my casts. We have discussed it during the week. He had to convince me, first, and we talked a lot about where we would go and what we would do. I didn’t really want to go somewhere where there are too many people – I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle all the looks I would definitely get. But then I did want to be around people, it would be nice to see new faces for a change. We decided we’d go to a park, and have a private picnic. There won’t be so many people there on a Monday, but I’d still see some and also get some fresh air.

And so, on the big day, Daniel drove us to the park in his van. When we got there, he opened the back door to let me out. I was actually sun-blinded for a few seconds from all the light, and for a minute felt like I have stayed in a basement for years. He lowered the ramp and then pushed me in the wheelchair down. He locked the van and drove me through the parking lot and into the park.

At first it was horrible. I never knew there could be so many people there on Monday morning. Shouldn’t people be working or something? It seemed like everyone who had eyes was focused on me. There I was, helpless, in a wheelchair, for the whole world to see. It was a hot day and I was wearing shorts and a T-shirt, and all my casts were completely visible. My left arm was hanging from a sling round my neck, my left leg elevated and nesting on a large pillow, and my right leg with a short leg cast, by now all covered with signatures. I wanted to hide my face in Daniel’s shirt, but he was behind me, bravely ignoring all the looks and driving me to a near-by tree.

When we got there, he spread a blanket on he grass, and then lifted me, casts and all, and gently put me on it. He sat me close enough to the tree so I could lean, and then took the pillow from the wheelchair and put both my legs on it.
“I’m going back to the van to get our food”, he said, but I grabbed his arm and begged him not to leave me there alone.
“Don’t be silly,” he said, “I’ll be watching you. It’s just a few meters from here, and nothing can happen.” The thing is, I was worried about people “happening”, staring at me, whispering, asking questions. But he left, and I was left alone.
Some people passed by. First a man, who stared at me and then looked away. Then two women, that one of them took no notice of me, and the other one was very obvious with her effort not to stare. Then two kids with a ball, staring and whispering, and then one of them shouted: “What happened?” and I shouted back: “Had an accident!” Which seemed to satisfy him and they walked away. I leant on my tree, closed my eyes and just let my thought flow for a while. The past weeks were a pain, also literally speaking, but I also enjoyed them in a way. I liked the fact I was a focus of attention. I was catered, carried, taken care of. I felt loved. Daniel had not yet said anything about his feelings towards me, but I was by now so relaxed with him that I was certain the confession would come soon. My other friends were proven to be the best friends ever, never forgetting about me and never leaving me alone. And I had Mark. I enjoyed having him around so much. It was my little secret, that by now he was more to me than just a nurse. He was helping me on so many private matters, helping me get dressed and undressed, helping me in the bathroom, bathing me, even combing my hair. And there was more… I smiled at the thought. Daniel came.
“Hey, are you asleep?” he asked. I opened my eyes and smiled.
“No, just delirious,” I said.
“Well, enough with your daydreams, open your eyes and look what I got for you,” he said, opening a large bag full of groceries. He was so sweet I couldn’t believe it – the bag was packed with fresh breads, cheese, dips and vegetables, and he even brought wine! We arranged everything on the blanket and began our feast.
Eating with only one good arm can be troublesome. And it’s even more of a problem if your other arm is bent at 90 degrees, and three of its fingers are casted. So, while I was holding a glass of wine in my good hand, Daniel was slicing the bread and making little sandwiches. He cut the vegetables and I was able to dip them all by myself, even using my thumb and pointing finger, the only un-cast part of my left arm. When Daniel saw my attempts, he immediately said – “No, no. You just hold your wine and make yourself comfortable. Don’t you worry about getting fed”. I was curious to know what he had in mind. When everything was arranged and all the sandwiches done, Daniel leant on the tree and drew me close to him. He sat behind me, his back to the tree, and I was now leaning on him. His strong arm supported my back, and sitting like this we sipped our wine and breathed in the soft, fresh air.
“Are you hungry?” he whispered in my ear.
“Yes”, I giggled. He then took one of the little sandwiches he made and started feeding me with his right hand, and with his left arm he supported my back and slowly caressed my shoulders. We sat like that for awhile. I closed my eyes and just let all the feelings flow in me. I was cozy and secure. I leant my cheek on Daniel’s chest, and felt his soft lips touching my hair when he kissed it. He kissed it a few times and then proceeded to kiss me on the forehead, and when I looked up at him he gently leant forward, held me back and gave me a soft, tender kiss on my lips. He then looked at me, and I smiled. He kissed my lips again, his tongue slowly separating them, mingling with mine. He held me tight and caressed me as we kissed. I wanted to draw close to him, but couldn’t move myself. When our lips finally separated, he took the pillow from under my casted legs and put it behind me. He then slowly lowered me on to it, making me lie down with my head and back resting in the pillow. He lowered himself and lay by my side, and then put is body in such a way, that enabled him to put both my legs on it, so that they would be elevated. We then started kissing again.

I suppose we were a weird sight, a guy kissing a girl that’s practically lying on his knees, all casts. Not the ordinary romantic couple… But it was a great feeling. Despite the heavy plaster on my limbs, I was as light as a feather. My face must have been brighter than the plaster, I was so happy. Daniel’s soft hands caressed me all over. He touched my face, my cheeks, and then his hands moved slowly to my neck and further down. He caressed the plaster cast on my arm; his fingers went slowly over the edge of my cast, feeling the soft padding under the hard plaster. He felt my breasts, my tummy, moving his hands slowly and softly over my figure. I moaned quietly with delight. He then put one hand on my head, as if to support it, actually stroking my hair, and with his other hand went down to my thighs and started caressing them, too. He ran his fingers down my healthy leg, caressed the inside of my thigh and brushed my cunt briefly. Then he started caressing the gigantic plaster cast that covered my broken leg, tried to push his fingers inside the cast that was very tight. He leant down and kissed my cast knee. I moaned louder, as if I had felt the tender touch of his lips on my knee. He slowly started to massage my clit, and I felt how I was becoming wet as he went on, massaging my clit with one hand and stroking my casts and my body with the other. I just lay there, my eyes closed, passive, my heart racing and my body feeling more sensual than it ever felt before.
Suddenly he stopped. He supported my back and raised me to a sitting position.
“Do you want to go home and finish what we started?” He asked with a devilish smile. I could do nothing but nod in agreement, I was so teased and didn’t come, and I was both annoyed and happy with the great new feelings I had.
“We’d have to get back in the car, then”, said Daniel. “I’ll be as quick as possible.” He picked up all the food quickly, wrapping some and throwing some away. Then he helped me back in my wheelchair. He put my right arm round his neck and then lifted me, and gently put me down into the wheelchair. He then elevated both my legs, and put the pillow under the left one. He put the bag with the leftover food in my lap, and adjusted my sling. He started pushing me back to the car. After a few meters he stopped, leant over and kissed me passionately on the lips.
“I would have you here and now”, he whispered and ran his hands quickly down my breasts and cast arm. I moaned and closed my eyes. He kissed me again and started pushing the wheelchair, very quickly, back to the car. I saw people looking, but I didn’t care now. I didn’t give a damn about anything at that moment, all I could think of was Daniel having me as soon as possible. He lowered the ramp, put me inside the van, and we drove home. I held my cast arm in my good hand all the way, caressing the plaster and wondering, if it was my casts or I Daniel was after. Though at the minute I didn’t care.

At home Daniel lifted me out of the wheelchair and put me on the bed.
“Wait here”, he said, and went to the bathroom. I tried to take off some of my clothes, but it was not easy. I undid my short’s buttons, but had no success in taking them off. I gave up on the T-shirt. When Daniel returned he saw me and had a big smile on his face. He sat on the bed behind me and helped me take my T-shirt off. He gently caressed my back and shoulders, then started kissing me neck and playing with my hair. I shivered with delight. He undid my bra and helped me take my cast arm out if it. I left my sling on. He kissed my arm above the plaster.
“Are you in pain?” he asked.
“No”, I said. He put my cast arm round his neck and lowered my body over his. He caressed my breasts slowly and gently, and I was almost out of breath. I leaned on him and closed my eyes. His gentle hand slowly moved over my body, until I was completely relaxed. He then moved, very slowly, and leaned me on the bed. He put several pillows under my back, and when I was completely comfortable he sat at the bottom of the bed and took off my shorts. He then started teasing my toes, that were nested in the white, fluffy padding of the casts. I started giggling and begged him to stop. He put on his devilish smile and started taking my panties off. While he was doing that, he caressed the white plaster that covered both my legs. I moaned as if I really felt it through the plaster. He pushed his fingers into the cast up my thigh, and brushed my clit with his thumb. I whispered:
“Come…”

He came back onto the bed and started kissing me passionately all over my body. I wanted to touch him desperately, but was afraid that in the heat of passion I would clumsily hurt him with my casts.
“Touch me,” he said all of a sudden. “Please touch me…” I hugged him with my arms. I felt him shiver as my cast touched his body. He moaned. I slid of the pillows and rested on the bed. He put the pillows under my cast legs. Now both my legs were elovated and I was completely visible to him. He started licking my clit. I moaned and struggled, and then remembered the scene from “Paperback Romance”, when the girl hit the guy in the face and he bit his tongue and needed stitches. I opened my legs wider. Daniel took off his shirt and pants, and lay on top of me. I felt him inside me. He was just big enough. I felt full. He started pounding inside me, deeper and deeper. I moaned and growned, I wanted to scream with delight. I kissed him and kissed him. He came inside me. A splash of a second after him, I came as well. I held him tightly in my arms,not wanting to let go. He rested on top of me, breathing heavily. He carresed my hair and looked at me with his eyes full of love. We kissed again passionately. He cuddled me in his arms and put the blanket around us. We fell asleep.

Discoveries – Part 6: Going Home

The big day had finally arrived. Leaving the hospital was quite an operation. At the end there was no need for an ambulance to take me home, because Daniel came with his van. Mark lifted me off the bed. It was the first time I realized how strong he was: My weight was doubled by all the plaster casts I wore, and I am not a tiny girl to begin with. He gently put me in the wheelchair, and lifted both leg-supporters so that both casted legs would be elevated. My left arm was secured with a sling, which was tied around my neck. It was tied very high, and my casted elbow formed a kind of triangle, pointing the ground. It wasn’t very comfortable, but it minimized my arm’s movements and also minimized the potential pain. After I was safely seated in the wheelchair, Mark brought a pillow and put it under my left leg. He then commented that there is actually no need for my right leg to be elevated as well, and said I would be more comfortable if it was in a normal sitting position. He adjusted the right leg-supporter again, and then took a step back to absorb his “creation”.
“Are you comfortable?” He asked.
“Very”, I said. “My left leg feels like it’s in a nest.”
Mark smiled and drove me out of the hospital. Daniel’s van was parked at the front. He opened the back of the van, lowered the ramp and stepped inside. Daniel pulled the wheelchair from inside the van, and Mark pushed it up. In no time I was safely seated inside. Daniel was ready to drive, and Mark has decided to stay in the back with me in case there are road-bumps, and so that he could hold the wheelchair if there are any rough turns. I was happy, because I didn’t like the idea of being in the back alone.
We got home pretty quick, even though Daniel was driving very carefully to avoid any bumps and hard turns. He parked the van in front of my building, came out and opened the back door. This time Mark pushed the wheelchair from the inside, and Daniel pulled it out of the van. Mark then drove me into the building, and Daniel went to park the car. When he came back, he saw us facing a weird problem. The elevator was not big enough to carry me in the wheelchair and Mark. So Mark climbed the stairs, and Daniel put me in the elevator, and then joined. When we got to my floor, Mark was already there, and pulled me out. He opened the door, and I was finally home.

Discoveries – Part 5: Friends come to visit

A few days past with no exciting events. Sharon and Guy came to visit me twice. The first time they entered the room, I could see the shock on their faces. Daniel had told them all about my injuries, but I suppose nothing could prepare them for the state I was in. Their first visit was really embarrassing for all of us. They didn’t say much, and both of them could not stop staring and my casted leg hanging from the bed sling. They asked a few questions – was I in pain, did I remember anything, said how much they worried, and so on. But all in all, it seemed they were afraid to ask the “wrong” questions, and none of us was very comfortable with this visit. I put an end to it when I said I was tired and asked them to call Mark. I saw Sharon’s eyes opening wide when she saw I had a male nurse, and before they both left she leant over to whisper how handsome he was. I smiled and said I didn’t notice that. It was true. I never bothered to “check him out”. I was so occupied with my thoughts about Daniel and my thoughts about being embarrassed by Mark helping me, that I never even noticed what he looked like. I was much relieved when Sharon and Guy left. I told my feelings to Mark, and he seemed to understand them:
“People often don’t know what to say”, he said. “They want to ask a lot of questions, but fear you might not want to talk about your accident, as it might bring back bad memories. So they say nothing, or try to act as if everything is normal – “
“Which is worse”, I said, “because it’s not.”
“Right”, said Mark. “And this way You can’t tell them how you really feel, because you’re afraid they don’t want to know the truth, and so it’s like a magic circle, and everyone is frustrated.”
“It’s true”, I said. “The only one I feel comfortable around is Daniel, because he acts naturally and says whatever comes to his mind.”
“It looks like he cares a lot about you”, said Mark. “He comes in every day and stays for a long time.”
That was true. Daniel came to visit me every day, and stayed for at least 3 hours every visit. He thought about all kinds of stuff that could amuse me, bringing books and newspapers and reading aloud to me. He even brought a crossword-puzzle book and we did some of them together. He was talkative, funny and caring. He was also acting naturally about my casts. He asked tons of questions – all the questions I think people normally want to asked but never dare: What did it feel like? Was it heavy or uncomfortable? Did I feel any pain in the cast? Did I want to get out of them? Could he sign on them? He drew some funny pictures on my casts, especially on the long leg cast. My arm was a bit sore, and so I tried not to move it. The arm cast remained white for a pretty long time. Except for that I felt no pain. I did feel very secure and safe in the casts. The plaster was pretty heavy, but then very comfortable. Yes, I did wish to be out of the casts, especially the arm cast, because I wanted to be able to crutch about. But there was nothing I could do, so I had to live through my sentence.
On their second visit, Sharon came in first, and Guy only joined us later. When she came, she looked a bit embarrassed and shy. This surprised me a little, because she was never that shy around people. So I said “Hello!” in a loud voice, smiled a big smile and invited her to come in. My smile seemed to make her more comfortable. She sat on a chair next to me and handed me two videos.
“Here”, she said. “Guy and I thought you might want some entertainment, so we rented these for you. I hope you like them. If not, we can rent you others.”
“Thanks”, I said. “I could use some stuff to do.”
“So, how have you been?” She asked.
“Fine”, I said, “just a little bored. I’m really glad you came. I can use the company. And you know what, it’s a good thing you mentioned Mark was handsome when you were last here, because I didn’t even notice that, and at least now I can amuse myself with the view…” This broke the ice, and from that moment on she was the same old Sharon I used to know, one that could discuss guys forever. She stopped being “politically correct” about my injuries, asked questions, signed my cast, and laughed at Daniel’s drawings. When Guy came in and saw us laughing and having fun, he seemed to realize that my condition was bad, but not tragic, and joined in being his usual self.

After they had left, the doctor came to check on me. It seemed all was going well, and then he broke with the new: I can leave the hospital in two days! I can go home to recover, and only come to the hospital for check ups every once in a while, and to change my casts when the time comes. I was both stunned and happy with the news. I immediately phoned Daniel.
“Great!” He said. “Do you need me to drive you from the hospital?”
I haven’t given that much thought yet, how things would be organized for me to get home and settle there. When I hung the phone up I asked Mark about the arrangement that needed to be done.
“Well,” he said, “an ambulance from the hospital would take you home. I think it would be pretty hard to fit you in a regular car when you’re like that. The wheelchair will come with us as well, and I believe that’s it.” He smiled. “You don’t need to worry about anything. Everything is taken care of.” In a weird way, it was nice to have absolutely no responsibility.
“Are you going to sleep now?” Mark asked.
“No,” I said. “I have some videos I want to watch. Do you want to watch them with me?” Mark nodded.
“Yes, why not,” he said.
“By the way,” I said, “where will you be staying? At my place as well?”
“Yes,” he replied. “It makes sense, doesn’t it?”
“Yes,” I said. But I wasn’t comfortable about that. A stranger at my place… As if having him bathe me and feed me wasn’t bad enough. But at least I’ll be home, where all my books and other stuff are. We watched the videos in silent.

Discoveries – Part 4: Without even touchng myself…

The morning came. Dana woke me up cheerfully. She took my temperature and put it down on the chart. Then she took off the blanket.
“Are you cold?” she asked.
“I’m fine”, I said, wondering what she’s going to do. She took a bowl and filled it with lukewarm water. Then she came to me, holding the bowl in one hand and a sponge in the other. Ooh, a sponge bath! I thought to myself. Life may not be so bad after all… First she washed my face. She then removed the soft-collar and washed my neck as well, very gently. It felt so good that I got chills. She opened the buttons of my hospital-gown and washed my shoulders, and then continued to wash my breasts and my stomach. I was always very sensitive at the belly-button area, and also right under my breasts. When the warm, soapy sponge touched my body, I felt my nipples harden, and got goose bumps all over. I blushed of embarrassment, but Dana didn’t notice.
“You’re cold!” she said and hurried to shut the window. I breathed heavily. She patted me dry with a soft towel and buttoned my gown again. Then she lifted my sleeves and gave quick, careful wash to those parts of my arms that were exposed: my left arm, a small part above the cast, and my right arm, from the elbow up. She was very careful not to get the cast or the bandages wet. She then lifted my gown over to my stomach and washed between my legs. She couldn’t move or lift me, because of the traction, and so she just did her best to get to every possible point there was to clean in my body. That was too much for me. I was all wet inside, and every touch just made it worse. I looked down at my casted leg, at my casted arm and at my bandaged hand. I felt the touch of the soft collar on my chin as I lowered my head. I saw my “private” nurse occupied with me, and for a minute I didn’t feel sorry for my miserable state and myself. When Dana moved away to pour the water to the sink, I felt the spasms of an orgasm – for the first time in my life, without even touching myself.
I was amazed at this discovery. It was weird. Here I am, immobilized with traction and casts, in pain, and with more of that to come – and I am turn on by it! I never knew I had it in me. Sure, I always liked hospitals and I was always attracted to casts, but it was never involved, in any way, with a sexual experience. I wasn’t even thinking about sex, or about Daniel, or any other boyfriend I ever had. It just happened, and it was so quick and intense I didn’t know how to react to it. I lay there silent, hoping Dana wouldn’t notice any of it. She came and checked my transfusion, and asked if I was in any pain. I wasn’t. She said I could rest for a while (yeah, that sponge bath was exhausting…), and that I will be taken to x-rays at around 11.
When she left the room, I started exploring. I put my right hand under the blanket and between my legs. I was wet, and my clit was still bigger than usual. I started playing with it, but moving my fingers was a bit painful, as my hand was still wrapped with bandages. I took it out. The thought still disturbed me. What is the logical explanation to this? How can I be turned on by this situation?
The entrance of my doctor interrupted my thoughts.
“Are you ready to go?” he asked cheerfully. I then remembered the operation, which was due for the day. I got nervous, and in a minute forgot all the last few minutes of excitement. He put his hand on my forehead and checked the chart, and then I was wheeled, in my bed, to the OR. Before I could sound any protest, I was knocked out. All was black, and I fell asleep.

I woke up extremely thirsty, and, once again, opened my eyes to the brightness of the room’s ceiling.
“Water”, I whispered, and someone rushed over and moistened my lips with wet cotton. I tried to sit up, but was too weak. Almost in panic, I reached down with my bandaged hand and touched my body. I was still in one piece.
“What is this?” I croaked my mouth still dry.
“You’ll be just fine”, said an unfamiliar voice. It wasn’t Dana. A man held a glass of water in front of me and helped me drink. I felt a little bit better. Who is this man? I thought to myself. I tried to follow him with my eyes. He was standing with his back to me. I wanted to ask him who he was, but fell asleep again.
When I woke up again I felt a lot better, even freshened-up. The light was streaming from the windows, and my bed was in the middle of a square of light.
“Hello”, I said, not knowing if there was any one in the room.
“Hi”, said a voice. A man’s voice. He approached my bed. “How are you?”
“Great”, I said. “Except that I’m stuck here… who are you?”
“I’m Mark”, he said. “I will be your nurse.” That made me smile. It is not very often that you see a male nurse around here.
“Can you help me sit up?” I asked. I wasn’t very comfortable lying flat on my back. Mark put his hand on my forehead, as if to check if I had fever. He then lifted the backside of the bed to a sitting position, his hand still on my forehead, keeping my head from moving. Sitting up, I could finally see the room, and myself. It wasn’t the room I had left going to the operation. It was a bit smaller, but had two very large windows. The windows were open and the sun came in. I could see the hospital’s yard from them.
I was wearing a hospital gown, and covered with a pale-blue wool blanket. I no longer had the soft-collar. I tried to move my head carefully, and it wasn’t a bit painful! I was pleased. My casted left-arm was under the covers. I took it out carefully and put it on the cover. It was very heavy. I looked at my fingers and saw that my thumb was a bit dirty from casting materials. As three of my fingers were casted, too, I could only move my thumb and pointing finger, which I happily did.
My right leg was also under the covers. It was conveniently placed on some pillows, and it made a little “hill” under the blanket. My left leg, though, was completely visible. It was hanging from a bed sling, and my foot was higher than my head. It was casted from my toes all the way up my thigh, almost touching my ass. It was covered with white plaster, which was nice and smooth, though very heavy.
“Mark,” I said, and he immediately turned to me. “How long am I going to be here?”
“Not very long”, he said. “Two or three days more, I suppose. Some checks to see how you’re doing, but if all is OK than you can safely recover at home.”
I thought about my apartment. Luckily there was a pretty big elevator in the building, but how am I going to get by? There’s no way I could crutch, but I couldn’t even drive myself in a wheelchair, with my arm casted.
“Are you going to stay with me when I’m out of the hospital?” I asked Mark.
“Yes”, he replied. “That is why I was brought in instead of Dana. Not much chance that she could lift you up when needed”, he smiled. “I’ll be there at least till you’re out of both leg-casts. By then you’ll be able to manage with just the arm casted, as most people do. But when you’re so immobilized, you’d need help with everything – from eating to washing yourself and going to the toilet.”
Oh shit, I thought. Is he going to shower me and dress me up? I don’t think I can be comfortable with a man doing that to me. I haven’t been this intimate with most guys I was with… As if hearing my thoughts, Mark said:
“I know this might be embarrassing for you at first, but remember I’m a professional nurse, and I’m used to it. You’ll get used to it in no time, and may be even miss it one day…”
I thought of how Daniel would react when he hears this. Will he be jealous? Is there a reason he should be? He was very sweet and kind to me, and I definitely felt I was in love with him by now, but did he feel the same? And will he want to be with me for this really long period of time, when I need to be taken care of and can’t do a lot of stuff that are fun? The thoughts were storming in my mind, and I felt uneasy. I wanted to move around, or turn, but couldn’t. Mark saw my efforts and smiled, then he said: “You’d have to lay quietly for a while. I can turn the TV on for you, if you want, or find you something to read. Or I can get the phone here for you, if you want to call someone.”
Call someone? Daniel? No, I decided I wouldn’t. “Can you turn the TV on for me, please?” I asked. Mark turned it on, and then gave me the remote control. I switched to the movie channel and stared at a pretty boring, black-and-white movie. Can’t remember what it was about, because I fell asleep after a short while.

Discoveries – Part 3: What's going to happen

When I woke up again, the first site I saw were Daniel’s face close to mine. I smiled.
“She’s up”, he said, and from the corner of my eye I saw the nurse, whose name I still didn’t know, coming towards me.
“How are you, dear?” she asked.
“Fine, I guess”, I said. “What is your name?”
She laughed heartily. “Oh dear, that is a bit rude of me. My name is Dana.”
“And my name is Daniel”, said a smiling voice above my head. “Do you remember me?”
“Well, let me think…” I smiled at him. “You’re the one that helped me around in the past few days, aren’t you?”
“Yes”, he said, and put his chair by my bed. “How are you doing?”
“The doctor said I’m going to be fine, so I’d have to take his word for that. I feel weird, though, as if I have no limbs at all. Everything is immobilized. And I hate the fact that I can’t move my head.”
“Oh”, Dana interrupted. “The doctor said he would take you neck-brace off once you wake up. I shall call him for you”, and with those words she disappeared.
Daniel leant over and caressed my cheek. “You’ll be fine”, he said. “And I will be here to help you. How unlucky you were this week! But it’s all going to turn out for the best, you’ll see.” It was very relaxing to listen to his soothing voice. My heart was so full I felt I was about to explode. I wanted to confess to him how much I loved him. Just as I opened my mouth, my doctor and Dana entered the room.
“Dr. Connor at your service,” he joked as he approached the bed. Daniel moved aside and looked at us curiously. “Are you ready for the neck-brace to be taken off?” asked Dr. Connor.
“Oh yes”, I said. He leant over and unbuckled something at the back of my neck. Dana supported my head as he slowly and carefully took the brace off.
“Keep your head still”, he said as Dana gently rested it on the pillow. He then lifted it again and wrapped my neck with a soft collar. The warmth of the bandage-like fabric felt great, and I felt a lot more comfortable. “Try not to move your head so much for the first day. This is only a safety measurement, but we wouldn’t want anything unexpected to happen, would we? And if everything is fine, we shall have this removed in three or four days.”
“That will be great”, I said. “I already feel I’m getting better…”
“And I think tomorrow we shall operate your left leg”, said the doctor. He lifted the blanket a little bit and looked at the traction. “We will take some x-rays to be sure, but I think tomorrow is the time.”
“What happened to my legs, doctor?” I asked. He never managed to tell me before I fell asleep.
“Well, you have broken your ankle on your right leg. It is casted knee-high. It should heal fine in three to five weeks. Your left leg is another story. It is really messed-up, you might say. You have broken both bones in your fibula and your tibia. We put you in traction to give the bones some time to heal, but we will need quite a serious surgery to get all the bones back set. Tomorrow, as I said, we will take the x-rays, and if all is as expected, we will operate”.
Surgery? I thought in horror. I have heard too many stories about people who did not wake up after they were knocked out. And his description was so frightening – what if I will never be able to use my leg again? He did say I will be fine, but what if he considers limping for the rest of my life “fine”? I was so stupid to use the crutches when I didn’t need to. I might need them now for the rest of my life, even without the enjoyment of a cast. What have I done?!
My eyes filled with tears. Daniel was back at my side, caressing my cheeks and forehead. “Don’t worry”, he whispered, “You’ll be fine, you’ll see. I’m here with you, and you’re safe.”
“Don’t worry”, the doctor repeated Daniel’s words. “ I don’t like to brag, but I am very good at what I do. You will be as good as new. You just need to be patient. It will take some time, but you’re young and so there aren’t many chances for complications. You have already been through one surgery – on your elbow, and you’ve done well. From what I’ve seen so far, it looks like you’re going to do well on the next surgery”.
That was very comforting, but still I had to ask: “Am I going to need more surgery anywhere else?” The doctor smiled. “No”, he said, “no more bad surprises for you. Everything will be just fine, you’ll see”.
“Will I be in traction after the surgery?” I asked.
“No”, said the doctor. “You will be out in a cast, so that we can send you home. There’s no need for you to stay in the hospital to the length it would take your leg to heal.”
“How long will it take?” I asked. Somehow, being casted sounded less and less fun. I was worried – how will I manage it for a long time, with a casted arm, and a broken ankle?
“To my estimation, it might take something like 12 weeks, may be a bit more. But as I said, we will know better tomorrow.” And with that, he left the room.
3 months, I thought. Three months in a leg cast, one of them with an extra short leg cast on the other leg. Not to mention the arm cast – how long did he say that would be? I couldn’t remember. Did they ever catch those drivers? I was worried, angry and frustrated. I felt so stupid, playing my “cripple” games and bringing myself into this. Even if they did catch the drivers, and punish them, I will always know the truth, that I have brought this over myself.
I was silent for a while. Daniel was sitting close, and I could hear his heavy breathing. I was so happy he was there, I never even asked him how he found out about the accident He was the first person I knew that came to see me in the hospital. My parents weren’t there: they did pay for the nurse, but it wasn’t the same. I could understand them, as they lived far away and had to work. But it would have been nicer to wake up and see them beside me. But still, Daniel was there.
“Daniel, I…” I wanted to tell him I loved him.
“Yes?” his face was near my face.
“Thank you so much for coming”, I said. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t tell him. Not yet.
“I came as soon as I heard”, he said. “You missed school and you didn’t answer the phone for two days. I went over to your apartment, but you weren’t there. Sharon knew nothing, and so she phoned your mother this morning and she told her what happened. Sharon had to go to work, but I just dropped everything and came. I had to see you, to see you are OK”. He was so sweet.
“How long have I been here?” I asked. Dana came over and smiled at me.
“You came here two days ago – it was Friday morning, and today’s Sunday”, she said.
“Do you remember anything from the accident?” asked Daniel.
“Not really”, I said. “I remember being late to class, and I remember almost falling off my crutches at the cross-road. It probably happened then, but I can’t remember what”.
For the first time since they put me in the soft-collar, I tried to move my head to see Daniel’s eyes. The sudden movement gave me a sharp pain, which almost made me shriek. I moaned. Dana came right to me and put her soothing hand on my forehead: “Try to keep still”, she said. “Don’t move unless you must”. That movement instantly made me feel every aching bone in my body, and I couldn’t help moaning. Daniel’s concerned face re-appeared above me, and in the blur of pain I heard him ask Dana if there was anything he could do. She wiped the beads of sweat off my face and injected some painkillers into my arm. Daniel stayed by my side, his hand on my right shoulder, just above my cast. I looked into his eyes till they were all blurs, and eventually fell asleep.

Discoveries – Chapter 2: Waking Up

I opened my eyes and shut them again immediately. The room was very bright. I heard someone pulling the curtains.
“Are you awake?” asked a soft voice. I opened my eyes again. A grey-haired woman was smiling at me. I tried to nod my head, but couldn’t move it. Oh my God, I thought. I’m paralyzed!
“Why won’t my head move?” I croaked. My mouth was dry and my voice sounded to me as if it was coming from miles away. “Why won’t my head move?!” I asked louder, happy to see I could still speak.
“Hush, hush, my dear”, said the woman. “You’ve been in an accident. You’re safe now. You’re going to be OK.”
“I can’t move my head”, I said, frustrated. Tears started streaming down my cheeks. “And everything aches – what happened to me?” The tears floated down the corners of my mouth.
“It’s OK, dear, it’s OK”, said the woman and rushed over to my side. “I’m giving you something for the pain right away”. She took an injector from a small table, pulled up my right-arm’s sleeve and injected some Morphine in. “Ssshhh…” she said in a soothing manner. “Don’t you worry now about anything.” I lay there silent, helpless, waves of pain going through my entire body. I tried hard to think what happened; to remember; but I couldn’t. In seconds I fell asleep again.

When I woke up again, the room was lighted with the dim light of a reading-lamp. The grey-haired lady was sitting on a chair near it, and reading a magazine. I again tried to move my head, with no success.
“I’m thirsty”, I managed to whisper. She got up instantly and smiled at me.
“It’s good to see that you’re up”, she said. She took a small glass from the table, filled it with water, and then covered it with a special plastic cap that had a straw attached to it. This way I could drink without the water being spilled all over me.
“What happened to me?” I asked her. This time she answered me.
“You’ve had an accident,” she said. “Do you remember anything at all?”
“No,” I said. She looked concerned.
“Well, apparently you were hit when you were crossing the street on your crutches. A truck hit you, and then a car. You are lucky to be alive,” she said.
“Am I paralyzed?” I asked.
“Oh no, not at all,” she said. “The doctor said you will be as good as new, eventually. It will take some time, though, as you have some serious injuries.”
“I can’t move my head,” I said.
“Oh, that’s because you’re in a neck-brace. The doctor wanted to make sure that you have no back injury. But by now it looks OK, and they were just waiting for you to wake up to change it to a soft collar. It is just to be on the safe side, you probably will not need it at all in a few days. And you’ll be free to move your head as much as you want.” That was calming.
“Are you in any pain?” she then asked.
“No,” I said. “I just have a weird sensation in my legs. I can’t move them as well.”
“Well, that’s going to stay like this for a while”, she said.

I looked at my legs. The right leg was cast knee-high, and resting on a pile of pillows. My left leg was not visible to me. I could feel the blanket on it, but I couldn’t move it. I felt metal. It was in traction. My left arm was cast as well, so high I could actually feel the cast almost touching my armpit. My elbow was bent to 90 degrees, and three fingers were casted, too, leaving only my thumb and my pointing-finger revealed. My arm was also rested on a high pile of pillows, so that my shoulder was almost higher than my cheek. It was throbbing. I raised my right hand to try to touch it. My hand, fingers to elbow, was wrapped with bandages. There was a burning sensation to it, and I quickly put it down. I moaned as it hit the bed; the wound was still open, and it hurt.
The gray-haired woman approached me hastily.
“What is it, dear?”
My eyes were full of tears from the pain.
“My arms hurt… I hit my right arm on the bed, and it hurts.”
“I will give you something for the pain in a few seconds”, she said in a soothing voice. “But I want to let the nurses know you’re awake. All right?”
“Yes”, I whispered. “But I thought you were a nurse”.
“Oh, I am a nurse, but I don’t work for the hospital. You’re mother is paying me to take special care of you until you leave the hospital. Than she would probably prefer someone else, may be stronger, as you are going to need a lot of help and be carried around.”
“Where is my mother?” I asked.
“She couldn’t stay, dear, but she calls every day to see how you’re doing, and I bet she’d love talking to you later on.” And with that, “my private nurse” left the room. I was alone.
I began exploring my body again, trying to list all my casualties. So, my left arm is definitely broken, and also 3 of my fingers. My right leg must be broken, too – the ankle may be? I tried moving my foot, but I couldn’t. The cast was very heavy, and I was so weak I couldn’t even move my leg over the pillows. I couldn’t see my toes, but I could wiggle them. That felt nice, and didn’t hurt at all. I was not paralyzed and my back was not hurt. That was good. But it was very annoying not being able to move my head. I really wanted to see what was going on with my left leg: why was I in traction? How bad was it? Is traction a good sign or a bad one? Was it broken? If so, where?
The pain in my right arm was still throbbing, and my again eyes filled with tears. I wanted to call my nurse to come back, but then I realized I did not know her name. I was about to start crying, just as the door opened and a man in a white gown walked in, followed by the grey-haired woman.

“So, how are we doing?” he asked in a cheerful voice, putting his hand on my forehead and checking the chart that was laid near my bed. I bit my lips not to cry, and he looked in my eyes and told the nurse to give me some Morphine. She took an injector that was full of some kind of liquid, than cleaned a small area on my right arm, and injected to it. The pain the needle had caused was nothing compared to the pain that I already felt, and, thankfully, in a few seconds I was relieved of both. The doctor had inspected my left leg, touching some of the metal poles and rods that were around it.
“So, how am I doing?” I asked with a bit of a smile, now that the pain was almost gone.
“Well”, he said, “Some things are more serious than others. All in all, you are a very lucky girl. Not many would survive an accident like this without being permanently damages.”
“So I am going to be OK?” I asked. Sure it was a long-time wish to be in cast, but this was too frightening, and painful.
“Yes”, he said, “but that would take a while. There are a lot of things to fix.”
“Can you tell me exactly what happened?”
“Well,” said the doctor. “Your left elbow is broken. We’ve already operated it, and for a joint fracture, it’s not that bad. But it’s still a joint fracture; meaning, it will take some time to heal, and there’s plenty of physiotherapy ahead, when you’re out of the cast. You also broke three fingers on that hand, probably because you held your crutches tight when you were hit. That should be fine in about three weeks, and then, according to your elbow’s progress, we will change the cast and let your fingers free.”
“What about my right hand?” I asked. The medication started to affect me, and I was getting sleepy.
“It was scratched badly, but nothing more. It is bandaged so the wound will not get infected, but it won’t even leave a scar. It will be better in a few days.”
“Oh…” I muttered. “And my…”
“Ssssshhhh”, said the doctor. “Sleep now, and I shall check on you again later”. A few more seconds, and I was sound asleep.

Discoveries – Chapter 1: Faking It

It all started by accident. And not the accident I will be telling about later on. Just a simple, minor thing – which became much bigger than I have ever could imagine.

I went to see a movie with my friends – Sharon, Guy and Daniel. Sharon and Guy are a couple; Daniel and I were meant to be – Guy tried to fix us up, but after two dates we’ve both thought it wouldn’t work out. We said we’d still be friends. I was lying. I did not want to be his friend. I found it very hard, actually, because I was really attracted to him, and actually found him very hard to resist. But we had very few things in common, and not very much to talk about. Why we thought we could still become Friends – I have no idea.

Anyway, we were on our way to the movies. The movie-theatre was inside a large, ugly, marble-covered mall. It was packed with people. Everything was very bright and noisy. Everyone was rushing around from one shop to another, from one junkfood joint to another, spending money. We were all tired and hoped the movie might supply us with fine entertainment. We were rushing as well, not wanting to miss the beginning. Guy ran ahead, dragging Sharon behind him by the hand. Daniel and I ran after them, but the crowed had separated us from them and we were way behind. I jumped a little to see how far they were, and shouted – “buy the tickets, we’ll meet you two inside!” The words were still hanging in the air like a comics-balloon, when I tripped over a stool that belonged to one of the eat-and-run spots, and finished elegantly by slipping over the just-washed and wet floor.

I have to take a little break now and tell about my all-time passion. Ever since I was in elementary school, I have wanted to be casted. I have always envied the boys that brake their arm playing basketball and other sport, or the girls who tripped and got elegant-looking bandages, slings and crutches. But I have always been very healthy; never even went to the hospital for a minor operation. Never had to wear more than a simple band-aid; never been ill for more than a few days. Being an only child, I have always been used to getting plenty of attention. But like an addict, I always need more and more. I have always regarded the fantasy of being seriously ill or injured, and having to stay a long time in a hospital as the top aspiration of my endless attention seeking.

People gathered around me almost immediately, someone helped me up. Daniel rushed towards me, and asked if I was all right. I said I was. Then I stepped on my left foot and almost screamed with pain. “Oh my God”, said Daniel, “Are you sure you’re OK?” My eyes involuntarily filled with tears of pain. I tried to step again. It hurt, but now not as bad. “Can you walk at all?” Asked Daniel with concerned eyes. “I think so”, I muttered, and limped forward a little bit. “May be it’s just a sprain”, I said. He took my arm and put it round his shoulder. I shivered a bit. “Here”, he said. “Lean on me and jump. Let’s get out of this crowd”. We emerged slowly, I jumping and clutching him, he walking in tiny steps, one arm tight around my waste. So close.

By the time we got to the cashiers I knew my foot was not even sprained. The pain slowly faded away, and in fact I felt much better. I looked down at my foot and saw it wasn’t at all swollen – a good thing in general, but I wasn’t ready to admit this yet. I leaned on the wall and put on a sad expression. “Does it hurt bad?” asked Daniel. He had the cutest worrying face. “Yes”, I said sheepishly and lowered my eyes. I didn’t want him to notice the glee of joy; he thought I looked down at my sore foot. “I’m going to get Sharon and Guy and we’ll see what to do”, he said, and disappeared in the long line of people.

I had to think quickly: What to do? Here is the perfect opportunity to live a fantasy. But how? Going to the ER is out of the question, now that the pain has faded almost completely. I would look stupid. The best thing is to act on it a little bit, and squeeze all the sympathy I can get for now.

They all came back, and I limped towards them bravely. “Are you OK?” asked Sharon immediately. “Yeah”, I said, putting a sad smile on. “Do you still want to see the movie?” asked Guy. He held the tickets in his hand. “I guess so”, I said. “It’s not so bad. Not broken, anyway, nothing a doctor can do. It’ll probably just fade away by itself.” “I’ll help you in”, said Daniel. He put his arm around my waist again, and my arm on his shoulder. I got goose bumps of delight. We walked in slowly, and I chose a seat close to the pathway between the seats. I leant down towards my ankle and started rubbing it. It still hurt a little, but not “enough”. “How is it?” Daniel leant towards me, and put his soft hand on my ankle. “Ouch”, I groaned. It felt so good…

By the time the movie had started, I had it all planed. I knew what I had to do. At the recess, I will say that it hurt too much and I want to go home and rest it for a while. I will not allow any of them to escort me, saying that it’s not that bad and that I’m OK to go alone. I will limp out of the movie theatre, and limp all the way out to my car. I will then drive to a pharmacy and get myself one of those elastic bandages that support sprains. Tomorrow I will wear it to the university, and will finally get to live, even for a short while, my all-times fantasy.

The plan worked out great. The only change was that Daniel insisted on escorting me out of the mall to my car. I couldn’t object so much, because I deeply desired him holding me a little bit more. It took us a round 10 minutes to finally get to where the car was parked, all that time him holding me real tight, making me stop for rests and rubbing my ankle whenever we stopped. “Are you sure you’re OK to drive home like this?” he asked when we finally got to the car. “Yeah, I’ll be fine”, I said. “It has automatic gear.” He watched me as I settled in my seat and drove away.

I drove to a close-by pharmacy and started looking for a bandage. I took one and went to the cashier. The woman asked – “is it for you?” “Yes”, I said, noticing too late that by the time, I had forgotten all about “limping”. “What’s wrong?” She asked. Nosy woman! I thought. Then I had a splendid idea: “I’m in an amateur play,” I said, “and I need it for my character. Do you know where I can get crutches, also?” “Yes!” She said, pleased to help. She then told me of a welfare place, where they lend crutches, wheelchairs and so on to people who only need it for a short while, with no charge, just a minor deposit or donation. I paid, thanked her and went out. I drove straight to that place; the acting story worked again. I got a pair of wooden-crutches, that were quite heavy, yet very steady and just the right size. I tried using them on the spot. “You need some practice,” smiled the woman who volunteered there. “I know,” I smiled back. “Well, an actor has to do what an actor has to do…”

I put the bandage on the minute I got home. My ankle was still a bit sore, but it was a lame excuse for a bandage. At first I made it as tight as I could, but then I decided not to cut-off my circulation. I wanted to be temporarily crippled, not permanently. I then tried the crutches again. It was hard. After 10 minutes my armpits were sore, and my arms stiff and aching. I decided to rest for a while. I put a big pillow on the sofa and turned the TV on. I sat on the sofa, my left ankle resting on the pillow. My crutches were on the floor beside me. I imagined the next day – what a heaven it will be. I will make sure to meet Daniel as early as possible. The thought of his arm around me made me shiver again with delight. The feeling was so good. I watched some TV and then tried to crutch again, from my room to the kitchen. After some practicing I felt better. Then I made some new decisions: I will come later to school than usual, on crutches of course. I will tell Guy, Sharon and Daniel that when I woke up in the morning my ankle was so sore and swollen, I drove straight to see a doctor, and he “ordered” bandage and crutches for at least 10 days. After 10 days I “will be allowed to put weight on my foot”, and then it will be bandage only. I was looking forward for the next day; my foot prompted up on the pillow, the memories of Daniel’s arm – I felt heaven was here and now.

The next day I woke up later than usual. I smiled at the sight of my bandaged foot resting on the pillow. I took the bandage of to check it: it was perfectly fine, except for the thin marks that the bandage had left on it. I grabbed the crutches from the floor and made my way to the washroom. I sat on the toilet-seat with my foot high, not letting it touch the ground. When I brushed my teeth, I put both crutches under my right arm and leaned on my right leg. I used my left hand to brush – that felt weird, being right-handed. When I was done I crutched towards the kitchen. I put the crutches on the floor and had my coffee. It was almost lunchtime; my first class was at eight.

When I finally got to the university, I headed straight to the cafeteria, for my big “entrance”. It was great from the very first moment. A guy I didn’t know opened the door for me, and held it as I went through it. I stood at the doorway for a few seconds, looking around for people I know. The place was very crowded. Many people stared at me. Then I heard someone calling my name. It was Guy. “O my God,” he said as he approached me. “Is that from yesterday’s fall? I didn’t realize then that it was this serious.” Sharon and Daniel were right behind him. “I was looking for you all morning,” said Sharon. “Where have you been?” I told them my “story” – how I had to take a painkiller to help me sleep last night, and how the pain woke me up in the morning. How I took a cab to the doctor’s, because I was too sore. How x-rays didn’t reveal anything, but he ordered bandage and crutches for 10 days, and not to put any weight on my foot.

Daniel immediately led me to a near-by seat, and said he would bring me a food trey. I put the crutches on the floor, and my foot on another chair. When he came back with the food we all ate together. “You will need help,” said Daniel, not asking but stating a fact. “Wait for me after the lessons and I will come to help you. I can drive you home today, if you want.” I laughed. He was so cute! “I’m not cripple yet, you know,” I said. “But I will need some help.”

The rest of the day was heaven. People held doors for me, chairs, elevators. Teachers as well as fellow students asked what happened and gave advice. My foot never once touched the ground. The only thing I was sorry about was that I wasn’t in a real cast. That night when I came home I was quite exhausted. My arms hurt a little from all the crutching, and though I enjoyed the attention, I was tired of speaking to practically everyone and telling the same story over and over again.

Three great days flew by. My foot was “doing well”, as I said to all who asked. Sometimes I would take off the bandage and rub it, pretending I was in pain. Or I would “accidentally” bump it into a chair or a wall, and then shriek with pain. I pretended when I was home as well: Never did I let my foot touch the floor. When I took a bath (showers were out of the question), I washed my ankle softly and carefully, trying hard not to bend it. My foot was prompted up on a pillow whenever I went to bed or sat in the living room. I was by now used to the crutches, and could move about pretty quickly. I did not show that talent, though, because being a slow-walker gave me more time with Daniel. He didn’t leave my side. I could see that my limping and hobbling about fascinated him. And I did anything to deserve the extra attention…

The forth day started just as usual. I brushed my teeth sitting on the edge of the bathtub, and then crutched to the kitchen for my morning’s coffee. I drank it and mused over Daniel, and his strong, helping arms. Only when I finished my coffee I noticed the time – I was almost half an hour late for my first class! I must have over-slept for some reason! Rushing, I took my bag from the table, picked up my crutches and started walking out. For the first time in 4 days, I wished I could get rid of them. I used the elevator and then struggled to get the building’s door open and get out. My flat was only 5 minutes walk away from Uni; That is, walking, not crutching… I crutched as fast as I could. 45 minutes late. The first period will be over in 5 minutes. I slowed down, realizing I will not make it. I had just enough time to get to the second class. “Oh well,” I thought to myself, “I’ll find someone to take the notes from.” I got to the crossing. Cars were flying by, and I, being aware of my limitations, waited patiently for the road to be clear. There were absolutely no cars anywhere at sight when I started crossing, hopping along on my crutches. Then I suddenly tripped; my right leg somehow stumbled on my right crutch, and I almost fell down – crutches, bag and all. I steadied myself carefully and just stood there for a split-of-a-second, to ease my heartbeats. At that split of the second it happened.

The following was told to me, as I only vaguely remember these facts: A huge truck came speeding towards me. The driver did not obey the “stop” sign at the crossing, and only noticed I was there when it was too late. He pressed the breaks – I remember that sound well – but could not stop on time. He hit me from the left so hard, that I was thrown a good few meters. I landed on the road, and my head bumped on the sidewalk. From that moment on all was black for me; But more horror was to come. Another car, coming from the right, had just made the turn to that road. When “flying” in the air due to the truck’s hit, I landed on the road, just in front of that other car. The driver breaked quickly, but only stopped after hitting me and pushing my unconscious body a few more centimeters on the road. I don’t remember anything about how I got to the hospital. I woke up 3 days later, to a whole new way of life.

"עד עולם אחכה"

עד עולם אחכה

 

אני כותב מכתב, הדף נגמר לי

אני רוצֶה אותךְ, רע לי ומר לי

עד עולם אחכה.

אף פעם לא אשכח מה הוא אמר לי

אני רוצָה אותךָ, אתה יקר לי

עד עולם אחכה.

אחכה לךְ בשדות שם השיבולים צומחות

עד עולם אחכה

אחכה לךָ בגן בשמלת יסמין לבן

עד עולם אחכה.

 

(יהונתן גפן)

 

עבר זה מה שכבר היה. זה ברור לחלוטין. ההוווה והעתיד הם שקשים להבנה.            הרווח זמן שובר מעשיית דבר מה עד שהוא מגיע לתודעתינו, הוא קריטי. ברווח-זמן זה הופך המעשה מהווה לעבר. למעשה במושגינו, ה"הווה" עליו אנו מדברים הוא עבר. עבר סמוך מאוד, אך עבר. לכן, הזמן שבו אנו מדברים הוא למעשה עתיד ולא הווה.  העשיה שלנו היא עבר, בגלל הרווח בין עיה לתודעה. התודעה שלנו היא כבר עתיד. שני אלה הם בשני מושגים שונים.

אם עשיה היא עבר (בגלל הרווח בין עשיה לתודעה)

            אז תודעה היא עתיד.

אם אין הפרדה בין עשיה לתודעה, אזי שתיהן הווה. זה לא יכול להיות, כי אף אח לא יכול להיות בשני הלכי-מחשבה בעת ובעונה אחת. לכן, לפי הגדרתינו, ההווה אנו קיים כלל.

ההווה עליו אנו מדברים כרגיל הוא הרווח בין T1 ל-T2. יש לפצלו ל-עבר=T1 ו-עתיד = T2. הקיו שלנו, למעשה, אינו מתאפשר כלל במה שאנו קוראים "זמן הווה".

 

 

	"זמן הווה" הוא חלק אינטגרלי מהדמיון שלנו.

 

 

 

 

 

הוכחה נוספת: "זמן הווה" נקרא גם "בינוני". "זמן הווה" הוא בסה"כ "בסדר". גם הגדרת ה"בסדר" אינה קיימת באמת, כי גם לאדם שהוא "בסדר" יש משמעות, סיבה וזכות-קיום.

אם החיים הם פונקציה, אז הם פונקציה של זמן ומרחב בגרף הזה:

 

 

 

כי בזמן אחד מתרחשות אלפי פעילויות באלפי מרחבים בו-זמני, ואילו במרב אחד בזמן אחד מתרחשת רק פעילות אחת. במרחב אחד במספר זמנים מתרחשות פעילויות רבות, אבל זוהי אינה אותה פונקציה.

וכי למה לא? וכי למה לא? כי זהו עצם החיים עצמם, והי הווייתם, זוהי דרך פעולת החיי, מה שקורה. זהו מהלך החיים.

 

לכל שאלה יש מספר אינסופי של תשובות "פוטנציאליות", שכל אחת מהם מתקיימת באותו זמן אך במרחבים שונים. בזמן אחד ובמרחב אחד יש תשובה אחת בלבד לכל שאלה, ואז מספר התשובות שווה למספר השאלות.

 

 

שאלות = תשובות

 

 

 

                              

 

 

השלם הסופי שווה לאפס המוחלט.

כל מה שצריך לעשות כדי להוכיח את זה, הוא להעביר את אחד האיברים במשוואה אגף ולראות:

שאלות = תשובות

0 = שאלות – תשובות

השאיפה לשלמות היא שאיפה לאפ. זה לא סותר שום דבר. מדובר בשתי קצוות של קשת, שככל שהם הולכים ומתרחקים הם מתקרבים זה לזה, נפגשים ומתאפסים.

אפס זה לא דבר רע אם הוא השלמות.

האפס אינו עגול לחינם.

(תזכורת: לא להעלב יותר אם קוראים לך "אפס מאופס".)

איך אנחנו ניצלים מלהגיע לשלמו? איך אנחנו ניצלים מהתאפסות? פשוט מאוד. מספר השאלות שנשאל והתשובות שנקבל הוא אינסופי.

האהבה הראשונה שלי

אוהדי, אמרו לי שקראתי לו. אוהדי, תחזור.

בפעוטון במושב היה לי חבר, אוהדי. אמא שלי מספרת שהוא היה ילד עם שיער שטני ועיניים חומות: "ואבא שלו היה איש כל-כך נחמד, כזה חבר'מן, הוא צחק כשאמרתי לו שאני פוחדת שתהיי לבד בהסעה, הוא הרגיע אותי ואמר שכל הילדים זה ככה וזה בסדר."

לא זוכרת מה עשינו יחד. לא זוכרת אותו בעצם, בכלל. הוא גם לא מופיע בתמונת סוף השנה, כי באמצע השנה המשפחה שלו עברה לאשדוד. ועל זה מספרים לי שבכיתי המון, אוהדי, אוהדי תחזור.

האהבה הראשונה שלי (כנראה) עזב אותי ועבר לגור בעיר אחרת. מעניין מה זה אומר על ההמשך.

הבתול

בסוף הדייט הראשון שלנו הוא הסתכל לי בעיניים במבט עמוק, חייך חיוך נרגש, לקח נשימה עמוקה ונתן לי נשיקה על הלחי.

בסוף הדייט השני הזזתי במהירות את הלחי והנשיקה שהוא נתן לי נגעה בשפתי. הוא אמר, "סליחה", ואני חייכתי ואמרתי, "שטויות".

בסוף הדייט השלישי הזמנתי את עצמי אליו לדירה לשמוע תקליטים, והכרחתי אותו להראות לי את אתרי הפורנו החביבים עליו. כשנשכבתי עליו בלי חולצה ונתתי לו לשחק לי בציצים, הוא אמר לי בעצב, "אין לי קונדום". סלחתי לו; הרשיתי לו להמשיך לשחק לי בציצים, ואפילו לפתוח לי את הריצ'רץ' של המכנסיים. הוא ליטף את הכוס שלי דרך תחתוני התחרה ואמר, שהוא תמיד תהה איך זה מרגיש. שאלתי, "מה, כשמלטפים לך את הכוס?" והוא ענה, "לא, לגעת בתחתוני תחרה," ומייד במבט שלו ראיתי שהוא התחרט על מה שהוא אמר.

בדייט הרביעי משכתי אותו לתוך השמיכות של מיטתי הירושלמית, ועוד לפני שהסיר את תחתוניו לחש לי באושר, "יש לי קונדומים, הבאתי." *
* הערה על קונדומים: "דורקס" הם הכי יקרים, ואני מוצאת שהם טיפה יותר קטנים מקונדומים של חברות אחרות, ויש הרבה גברים שהם לוחצים להם, גם כאלה עם זין ממוצע בהחלט. מסקנה: גברים מוכנים לשלם בשביל שיוכלו להגיד, "נראה לי שהקונדום הזה קטן עלי".
"אני רוצה שאת תלבישי לי את הקונדום," הוא אמר באסרטיביות, ואני עשיתי את המוטל עלי, רק שנזדיין כבר, לעזאזל. ודווקא היה נחמד, ואפילו לא נגמר מהר מדי. והוא מהר מאוד ובשמחה גילה איפה הדגדגן ואיך משתמשים בו (הוא ידע שתיאורטית יש דבר כזה).
ובסוף הוא אמר לי תודה. תודה! איזה מתוק.
"את יודעת," הוא המתיק סוד על אזני, "עד עכשיו הייתי בתול." המהמתי.

כאילו, דה.